PMDD Took Half My Life Every Month

For years, I had no idea what was happening to me.

I thought I was just too emotional, too angry, too much. That I was dramatic. That I needed to “get a grip.” That something was fundamentally wrong with me because for half of every month, I wasn’t myself.

But when you’ve been on the pill since you were young, you don’t really see it. The symptoms are muted, numbed, dulled just enough to seem like an attitude problem or maybe a little PMS.

Until you stop taking it.

That’s when it hits.

The Rage No One Talks About

I went off the pill when I was 25. Not for any major reason - just a break from synthetic hormones, a curiosity about how my body would function on its own.

And that’s when I realised.

PMDD had been there the whole time.

It wasn’t subtle. It wasn’t a quiet, creeping thing that slowly made itself known.

It was a monster, fully formed, crashing into my life like it had been waiting for this moment.

And suddenly, two weeks of every month became a war zone.

I don’t mean irritability. I don’t mean “a little moodier than usual.” I mean:

• Hysterical, uncontrollable rage at the smallest thing

• Arguments that didn’t make sense, that escalated to extremes, that left me shaking

• A burning, white-hot anger in my chest that felt impossible to contain

• Screaming matches with my (now wife) girlfriend over things I barely remember

• Waking up in the morning already on edge, already ready to explode

And then, like clockwork, the storm would clear.

The rage would vanish.

The tension in my body would evaporate.

And I’d be left wondering what the hell had just happened (and my girlfriend would finally have reprieve).

I’d feel guilt. Regret. Shame. I’d apologise. I’d promise to be better next month. I’d try to fix what had felt so out of control.

But the next month came.

And it happened again.

And again.

And again.

It was ruining my relationship. It was making me hate myself. It was making me feel like I was broken, unfixable, a person who was fundamentally too much to love.

So, I finally started working with a local GP and he changed my life.

At 25, I was finally diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).

Not bad PMS.

Not normal mood swings.

Not something I should just push through.

PMDD is severe. It’s hormonal, neurological, and real. And for those of us who have it, it’s a wrecking ball to our mental health, our relationships, our sense of self.

I’d spent years thinking I was just a highly emotional, argumentative person.

In reality? My brain was on fire for half my cycle.

And when you know that, you can finally do something about it.

At 26, I started taking antidepressants for PMDD.

And within weeks, I felt like I could breathe again.

The rage was gone.

The hysteria was gone.

The feeling of being hijacked by my own brain was gone.

It was the most profound shift I’d ever experienced. I could finally exist in my own body and mind without feeling like I was at war with myself.

I started recognising myself in the mirror again.

I started seeing my relationship heal.

I started understanding that I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t broken - I just needed the right support.

Now (I’m 37) that I’m no longer having children (one is great for us), I’ve gone back on the pill.

Not because I need to. Not because I have to. But because it works for me.

It quiets the symptoms. It smooths out the chaos. It gives me a sense of control I never had before.

And you know what? That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Not to be “easier to deal with.”

Not to “fix” myself.

Just to feel like myself, all month long.

If you’re someone who loses half your life to emotional chaos every month, it’s not just you. It’s not just “PMS.” It’s not “being dramatic.”

PMDD is real. And it’s brutal. And it’s not something you should have to suffer through in silence.

If I could go back and tell my younger self anything, it would be this:

• Get help sooner.

• Medication isn’t failure - it’s freedom.

• You are not a bad person. You are not crazy. Your brain is not broken.

• You don’t have to fight this alone.

If this hits home, maybe it’s time to get support.

Because life is too short to spend half of it in survival mode.